Tired of his boasting, the Ensign called his bluff, Okay, Chief, how about Tom Cruise.
Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it.
So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Chief ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!
Although impressed, the Ensign is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. No, no, just name anyone else, the Chief says. President Bush, the Ensign quickly retorts.
Yep I know him, let's fly out to Washington.
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them over, saying, Chief, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Ensign come on in and let's catch up.
Well, the Ensign is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope, the Ensign replies. Sure, I've known the Pope a long time. So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Chief says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope. He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time he returns, he finds that the Ensign has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his side, the Chief asks the Ensign, What Happened to him.
The Ensign looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, Who's that on the balcony next to the Chief.
During a commercial airline flight a Navy Chief was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible. The Chief pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry! Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Chief sadly shook his head, and in true Sailor fashion exclaimed........ And all these years I've been chewing gum.
The First
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope.
There were ten Naval Officers and one Chief. Since the rope
was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided
that one of them had to let go to save all the others. They
could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the
Chief said he would let go of the rope since Chiefs are used
to doing everything for the Navy. They forsake their family,
don;t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of
overtime without getting anything in return. When he finished
his moving speech all the Naval Officers began to
clap
Moral:
Never underestimate the powers of a Chief.
The second
A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train
to a conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the
entire group of Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a
single passenger. The Naval Officers are just shaking their
heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Chiefs will
finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the Chiefs
calls out: The conductor is coming. At once, all
the Chiefs jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The
conductor checks the tickets of the Naval Officers. When he
notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and
says: Ticket, please! One of the Chiefs slides
the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues
merrily on his round. For the return trip the Naval Officers
decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for
the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that
the Chiefs didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while
one of the Chiefs announces again: The conductor is
coming! Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a
toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely walk
to the other toilet. Before the last Chief enters the toilet,
he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Naval Officers and
says: Ticket, please!
And the moral of the story.
Naval Officers like to use the methods of the Chiefs, but
they don't really understand them.
The third
Once upon a time three Naval Officers were walking through
the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge,
wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other
side. But how, with such a raging torrent. The first Naval
Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: Lord, please
give me the strength to cross this river!
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could
swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he
almost drowned several times. BUT: he was successful! The
second Naval Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord
and said: Lord, please give me the strength AND the
necessary tools to cross this river!
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river
despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of
times. The third Naval Officer who observed all this knelt
down and prayed: Lord, please give me the strength, the
means and the intelligence to cross this river!
The Lord converted the Officer into a Chief. The Chief took a
quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and
crossed the bridge.
He had simply observed the Lieutenants class ring while he was picking his nose.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, Come on in and let me pour one for you! What will it be, gentlemen. There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, That will be 40 cents, please. The four Chiefs stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, That's 40 more cents, please. They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they,ve spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece.
The bartender replies, No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same.
Wow. That's quite a story. says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, What's with them.
The bartender says, Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour.
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states
through a
tightlipped smile, Admiral, United States Navy,
retired. Married, two sons, both judges.
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides
to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,
Master Chief Petty Officer, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor.
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the Commanding Admiral returned and said, You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him.
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, Which of you idiots ate the Chief.
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, and even one Commander and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief
The first morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and
said, Reveille, Reveille.
Up all hands, Heave out, trice up! The smoking lamp is lit,
now Reveille!
The old chief told the parrot, We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing.
Chief told the parrot, If you keep this up, I'll put your ass out in the chicken pen.
Again the parrot dit it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.
About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one
heck of a
ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the
matter.
The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention -- in
formation. On
the ground lay three bruised and beaten brown chickens. The
parrot was
saying, By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I
don't mean khakis!
That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country. The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note.
That same day, a Master Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Master Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, Not required, Master Chief, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation. You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ... were three more Master Chiefs!
No, the Chief said, just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
The Chief's short reply was, Yep, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself.
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex.
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, 1955.
She said, Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme.
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!
A Chief and a captain happened to be in the head at an airport one day, both standing at the urinals. The chief, finishing first, proceeded to the door and was about to leave when the captain said, You know, Chief, we officers are taught from OCS to wash our hands after we urinate. The Chief responded with, You know, Captain, we enlisted are taught from boot camp not to piss on our hands. And promptly departed.
The Surface Warfare Master Chief answered, Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tack and threw him out of his office.
The second interview was with a Aviation Master Chief and he was even better than the first Master Chief, with a much better personnel file. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him the same question, Do you notice anything different about me.
The Aviation Master Chief replied, Well yes. You have no ears. The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, Do you notice anything differently about me.
To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, Yes. You wear contact lenses.
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly observant Master Chief, and he didn't mention my ears.
And how do you know that., the Admiral asked.
The Submarine Master Chief replied, Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no frigging ears.
The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that
chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life
long pet parrot. First morning at 0430, the parrot squaked
and said, Off yer hocks and on yer socks.
Reveille
The old chief told the parrot, we are no longer in the Navy.
Go back to sleep. The next morning, the parrot did the same
thing. The old Chief told the parrot, look, if you keep this
up, I will put you out in the chicken pen.
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put
the parrot in the chicken pen. About 0630, the Chief was
awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went
out to see what was the matter.
The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on
the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot
was sayin, By God, when I say fall out in dress whites,
I don't mean Khakis!
A chief and an admiral died and went to heaven on the same day, when they got to heaven St. Peter met them and said he would show them to their new homes in heaven, the admiral asked if he could see his new home first, because after all he was an admiral on earth, St. Peter said okay and off the three of them went. When they arrived at the admirals new home they saw that it was a beautiful condo in a gated community with a swimming pool and a tennis court he could use. The admiral was very pleased with his condo, St. Peter said come on chief I will show you where you are going to live here in heaven, the admiral said he would like to ride along because he hadn't seen a lot of heaven yet, so off the three of them went to see the chiefs new home. When they got to a huge hill they pulled up the drive and into a massive mansion, St. Peter said here you go chief this is your new home, it has a private pool,six bedrooms, a tennis court, a private gym, this home has any thing you could possibly want. While the chief was surveying his new home the admiral pulled St. Peter to the side and said I don't understand why the chief's home is so big and mine is only a condo. Because on earth I was an admiral and he was only a chief. St. Peter said admiral you don't understand, you see we get a lot of admirals here in heaven but not to many chiefs!
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which service was The Best. The arguing became so heated, that they eventually ended up killing each other. Soon thereafter, they found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. There they met St. Peter and decided that only he was the ultimate source of truth and honesty. They asked him, St Peter, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best.
St. Peter instantly replies, I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him.
Some time later the four saw St. Peter again. They reminded him of the question and asked if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak was a note with glistening gold dust.
St. Peter said to the four men, Your answer from the Boss... Let's see what he says. St. Peter opened the note - trumpets blared, gold dust drifted into the air, harps played crescendos and St. Peter began to read it aloud to the four young men.
MEMORANDUM
TO: SOLDIERS, SEAMEN, MARINES, AND AIRMEN
FROM: GOD
SUBJECT: Which Military Service is the Best.
Gentlemen, all the Branches of the Armed Services are
honorable and noble. Each of you serves your
country well and with distinction. Being a member of the
American Armed Forces represents a special calling warranting
special respect, tribute, and dedication. Be proud of
that.
Very Respectfully
GOD CPO USN (Ret.)
Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and a Chief Petty Officer, were out riding in a bus, coming home from scout summer camp when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
Gentlemen, the Devil said, Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell.
The philosopher then stepped up, OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings. With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, Give me the most complicated crypto formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered! With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable. Then, go to Hell! with another snap of the Devil's finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, Bring me a chair! The Devil brought forward a chair. Drill 7 holes on the seat. The Devil did just that. The squid then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, Which hole did my fart come out of. The Devil inspected the seat and said, The third hole from the right. Wrong, said the chief, it came out of my a**hole. And the Chief went to Heaven...
By the time the Chief pulled into a little town, every
hotel room was taken.
You've got to have a room somewhere, he
pleaded, or just a bed, I don't care
where.
Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an
Marine Gunny, admitted the manager, and he might
be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it
to you.
No problem, the tired Chief assured him,
I'll take it.
The next morning the Chief came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed.
How'd you sleep. asked the manager.
Never better.
The manager was impressed. No problem with the other
guy snoring.
Nope, I shut him up in no time, said the
Chief.
How'd you manage that. asked the
manager.
He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room, the Chief explained. I went over, gave him
a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching
me.
A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and
asked asked about the origin of the commissioned officer
insignias.
Well, replied the Master Chief, the
insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and
tradition.
First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very
valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less
malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the
two silver bars.
As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the
eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question.
Yes Master Chief replied the young Ensign.
But what about Lieutenant Commander and
Commander.
That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the
Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pr*cks
with leaves.
A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are
off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they
come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only
grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just
one.
Me first! says the Petty Officer Second Class.
I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a
beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world.
Poof! He's gone.
Me next! says the First Class. I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful
woman. Poof! He's gone.
You're next, the Genie says to the Chief. The
Chief says, I want those two back on the ship right
after lunch.
An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW
arguing about who'd had the tougher career. I did
30 years in the Corps, the Gunny declared proudly,
and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out
of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the
blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy
machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant,
I fought in Korea alongside General Mac Arthur. We pushed
back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the
Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small
arms fire. Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three
consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the
mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and
mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire
all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms
ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy
with bayonets!
Ah, said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his
hand, all shore duty, huh.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he
is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He
lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can
you tell where I am. The man below says: Yes,
you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this
field. You must be a Chief Petty Officer.,
says the balloonist. I am replies the man.
How did you Know. Well says the
Balloonist, Everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's of no use to anyone. The man
below says You must be an Officer. I
am, replies the balloonist, but how did you
know. Well, says the man, You
don't know where you are, or where you are going, but you
expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position
you were before we met, but now it's my
fault.
At a command picnic a bunch of officers are standing
around talking. A LT said, I feel that making love is
80% fun and 20% work. A CDR responded by saying,
No, I think that making love is more work than that. I
would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work. Then a CAPT
says, No, making love is definitely way more work than
that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work. They
are all contemplating the conversation when a Chief walks by.
The officers call the Chief over to ask his opinion. The CAPT
says, Chief, we are having a discussion and would like
your input. The LT says that making love is 80% fun and 20%
work. The CDR says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work.
I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What is your
opinion. The Chief says, Sir, you are all wrong.
Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work
involved, you would have a Chief doing it for
you!
A Mustang retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong
dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited
an old Admiral friend to visit for a week of pheasant
shooting. The friend was in awe of the Mustang's new gun
dog, Chief. The dog could point, flush and
retrieve with the very best. The Admiral offered to buy the
dog at any price. The Mustang declined, saying that Chief was
the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he
couldn't part with him.
Six months later the same Admiral returned for another week
of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang breaking in
a new dog.
What happened to Chief. he asked.
Had to shoot him, the Mustang replied.
Another old shipmate came to hunt with me and
couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him
'Master Chief' ...after that, all the dog would do
was sit on his butt and bark.
A Seaman saying, I learned this in Boot
Camp...
A Petty Officer saying, Trust me, sir...
A Lieutenant JG saying, Based on my
experience...
A Lieutenant saying, I was just thinking...
A Chief chuckling, Watch this shit...
'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy Master chief to the bewildered seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.' 'Not me, Chief!' the seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!'