CPO Humor

Chief & the Ensign


  The Chief was bragging to the Ensign one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone  and I know them."  

Tired of his boasting,  the Ensign called his bluff, "Okay, Chief, how about Tom Cruise"?  

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."  

So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom  Cruise, shouts, Chief ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"  

Although impressed, the Ensign is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his  knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," the Chief says. "President Bush," the Ensign quickly retorts.  

Yep", I know him, let's fly out to Washington."  

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them  over, saying, " Chief, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Ensign come on in and let's catch up.  

Well, the Ensign is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.  

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else.  

The new Pope," the Ensign replies. "Sure, I've known the Pope a long time." So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Chief says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope on the balcony.  

But by the time he returns, he finds that the Ensign has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  

Working his way to his side, the Chief asks the Ensign, "What Happened to him "?  

The Ensign looks up  and says, I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony next to the Chief ?

Now they tell me


  

  During a commercial airline flight a Navy Chief was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible. The Chief pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Chief sadly shook his head, and in true Sailor fashion exclaimed........ And all these years I've been chewing gum.

NAVAL OFFICERS and NAVY CHIEFS


3 Real Life Stories

The First …
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Naval Officers and one Chief. Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others. They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the Chief said he would let go of the rope since Chiefs are used to doing everything for the Navy. They forsake their family, don't claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return. When he finished his moving speech all the Naval Officers began to clap…
Moral:
Never underestimate the powers of a Chief.

The second …
A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train to a conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Naval Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Chiefs will finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the Chiefs calls out: "The conductor is coming!". At once, all the Chiefs jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Naval Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please!" One of the Chiefs slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round. For the return trip the Naval Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Chiefs didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Chiefs announces again: "The conductor is coming!" Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Chief enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Naval Officers and says: "Ticket, please!"
And the moral of the story?
Naval Officers like to use the methods of the Chiefs, but they don't really understand them.

The third …
Once upon a time three Naval Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Naval Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: "Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! "
pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT: he was successful! The second Naval Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: "Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!"
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times. The third Naval Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: "Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!"
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord converted the Officer into a Chief. The Chief took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.

Master Chief And 3 Lieutenants

One day, a Master Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was quite crowded.
They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them. They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Master Chief mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.
The Master Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.
The Master Chief then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Master Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.
The Lieutenant across the table from the Master Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy. The Master Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his determination.

He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

Veterans Bar

Four retired Navy Chief's are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please." The four Chiefs stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."

Route to becoming a Admiral

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the
window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a
tightlipped smile, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,

"Master Chief Petty Officer, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

The Master Chief

The Master Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the Master Chief asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied.
The Master Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching
Sailors in Bootcamp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a
breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as 'Master Chief.'
Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Master Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, Master Chief!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

The Missing Chief

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II.

When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Commanding Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, and even one Commander and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief"

Seamanship Test

One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.
"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?" "Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."
"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?" "Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"

Navy Parrot

The old Navy chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted.
He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

The first morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, "Reveille, Reveille.
Up all hands, Heave out, trice up! The smoking lamp is lit, now Reveille!

The old chief told the parrot, We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing.

Chief told the parrot, "If you keep this up, I'll put your &*# out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot dit it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a
ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention -- in formation. On
the ground lay three bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was
saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean khakis!"

Taming The Lion

Two unemployed guys...retired chiefs... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"

Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Chief Petty Officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an Seaman monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the Customer,saying "That'll be $1000." The Chief paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can clean heads and passageways, perform routine maintenance on ship or hangar fittings, troubleshoot and repair complex avionics systems with no mistakes,well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Petty Officer monkey; it can instruct GMT, CSTT, PRT, DC, 3M, PQS qualify the Seaman monkey and even do some paperwork. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Officer."

Barber Shop

In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business. A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation." The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt.

That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note.

That same day, a Master Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Master Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Master Chief, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation." You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ... were three more Master Chiefs!

The Chief and the Pope In Heaven

The Pope dies unexpectedly and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy eyed watch opens the gate and asks, "wadda you want?" "I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of Godly works and thought I should check in here." The Heaven's Gate Guardian Angel checks his clipboard and says, "I haven't got any orders for you here, just bring your stuff in and we'll sort this out in the morning" Off they go to an old WWII barracks, 3rd floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk. The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a shiny Cadillac convertible coming down from the golden headquarters building on the hill. The sidewalks are lined with Angels cheering and throwing confetti. In the back seat of the convertible is a Navy Chief, ESWS pin shining on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a can of beer in one hand and his other arm around a beautiful blonde Angel. This upsets the Pope greatly and he runs downstairs to Heavens Gate and says to the Guardian Angel, "Hey, explain this to me, here I am, the recently deceased Pope, and I have spent 63 years doing Godly deeds on Earth and am here in open bay barracks, and I see this Chief that I know has committed every sin known to man, staying in the mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?" The Guardian Angel calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but this is the first Chief we've ever had".

Lighten Up

A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

Old Salt

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"
The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."
"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter.
"No Chief has ever made it into Heaven.
You'll find none of 'em here."
So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in a khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm.
Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face."Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here!
So what the hell is THAT?!?"
"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

The Head

A Chief and a captain happened to be in the head at an airport one day, both standing at the urinals. The chief, finishing first, proceeded to the door and was about to leave when the captain said, You know, Chief, we officers are taught from OCS to wash our hands after we urinate. The Chief responded with, You know, Captain, we enlisted are taught from boot camp not to piss on our hands. And promptly departed.

Command Master Chief Selection

A young Navy Officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which subsequently were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. He remained, however, very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the new Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface warfare type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Surface Warfare Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tack and threw him out of his office.

The second interview was with a Aviation Master Chief and he was even better than the first Master Chief, with a much better personnel file. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Aviation Master Chief replied, "Well yes. You have no ears." The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything differently about me?"

To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly observant Master Chief, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that?", the Admiral asked.

The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no frigging ears."

The Power of the Almighty Chief Petty Officer

As a crowded airliner is about to take-off, the peace is suddenly shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a US Navy Chief begins to make his way up the aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand, the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendents touches his sleeve. "Excuse me Chief", she asks quietly, "could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Chief smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane."

The Retired Chief

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life long pet parrot. First morning at 0430, the parrot squaked and said, "Off yer hocks and on yer socks. Reveille"
The old chief told the parrot, we are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep. The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen.
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 0630, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.
The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was sayin, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!"

The Chief and The Admiral

A chief and an admiral died and went to heaven on the same day, when they got to heaven St. Peter met them and said he would show them to their new homes in heaven, the admiral asked if he could see his new home first, because after all he was an admiral on earth, St. Peter said okay and off the three of them went. When they arrived at the admirals new home they saw that it was a beautiful condo in a gated community with a swimming pool and a tennis court he could use. The admiral was very pleased with his condo, St. Peter said come on chief I will show you where you are going to live here in heaven, the admiral said he would like to ride along because he hadn't seen a lot of heaven yet, so off the three of them went to see the chiefs new home. When they got to a huge hill they pulled up the drive and into a massive mansion, St. Peter said here you go chief this is your new home, it has a private pool,six bedrooms, a tennis court, a private gym, this home has any thing you could possibly want. While the chief was surveying his new home the admiral pulled St. Peter to the side and said I don't understand why the chief's home is so big and mine is only a condo? Because on earth I was an admiral and he was only a chief. St. Peter said admiral you don't understand, you see we get a lot of admirals here in heaven but not to many chiefs!

The Best

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated, that they eventually ended up killing each other. Soon thereafter, they found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. There they met St. Peter and decided that only he was the ultimate source of truth and honesty. They asked him, "St Peter, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best?"

St. Peter instantly replies, "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him."

Some time later the four saw St. Peter again. They reminded him of the question and asked if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak was a note with glistening gold dust.

St. Peter said to the four men, "Your answer from the Boss... Let's see what he says." St. Peter opened the note - trumpets blared, gold dust drifted into the air, harps played crescendos and St. Peter began to read it aloud to the four young men.

MEMORANDUM

TO: SOLDIERS, SEAMEN, MARINES, AND AIRMEN

FROM: GOD

SUBJECT: Which Military Service is the Best?

Gentlemen, all the Branches of the Armed Services are "honorable and noble." Each of you serves your country well and with distinction. Being a member of the American Armed Forces represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication. Be proud of that.

Very Respectfully
GOD CPO USN (Ret.)

Pearly Gates

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and a Chief Petty Officer, were out riding in a bus, coming home from scout summer camp when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

Gentlemen, the Devil said, Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell.

The philosopher then stepped up, OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings. With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, Give me the most complicated crypto formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered! With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable. Then, go to Hell! with another snap of the Devil's finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, Bring me a chair! The Devil brought forward a chair. Drill 7 holes on the seat. The Devil did just that. The squid then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, Which hole did my fart come out of? The Devil inspected the seat and said, The third hole from the right. Wrong, said the chief, it came out of my a**hole. And the Chief went to Heaven...

Sleeping with a snorer

By the time the Chief pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Marine Gunny," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Chief assured him, "I'll take it."
The next morning the Chief came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Chief.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Chief explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A wise old Master Chief once said...

A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Master Chief, " the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition.
First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question?"
"Yes Master Chief" replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"
"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pr*cks with leaves."

"The Genie"

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

"The Chief and the Gunny"

An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Mac Arthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

"Technically Correct"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be a Chief Petty Officer.", says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you Know?" "Well" says the Balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says "You must be an Officer." " I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

"Sex=Work or Play"

At a command picnic a bunch of officers are standing around talking. A LT said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." A CDR responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Then a CAPT says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating the conversation when a Chief walks by. The officers call the Chief over to ask his opinion. The CAPT says, "Chief, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The LT says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The CDR says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What is your opinion?" The Chief says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have a Chief doing it for you!"

"A Mustang's Hunting Dog"

A Mustang retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited an old Admiral friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the Mustang's new gun dog, "Chief". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best. The Admiral offered to buy the dog at any price. The Mustang declined, saying that Chief was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him.
Six months later the same Admiral returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang breaking in a new dog.
"What happened to Chief?" he asked.
"Had to shoot him," the Mustang replied. "Another old shipmate came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Master Chief' ...after that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark."

"THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE US NAVY"

A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

"Stand in Line"

'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy Master chief to the bewildered seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.' 'Not me, Chief!' the seaman replied.  'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!'