COMPLIANCE WITH THIS PUBLICATION IS
OPR: 99 SFS/SFX (MCPO) Certified by: 99 SFS/CCE (Capt America)
Approved by: 99 SFS/CC (LT. Attitude)
This instruction details the actions Navy NCOs must take in order to achieve great success when counseling subordinates. If you are an Seaman stop reading now, this instruction will be made available to you later in your career. If caught reading this, you will receive an immediate and brutal ass beating.
1. GENERAL. Most military leaders are able to accomplish their mission and correct Seaman deficiencies with simple verbal counseling. Some Seaman however, fail to respond to this approach, and a more direct corrective action is required. With the Navy not yet fully recovered from the "kinder Navy" f**k up, the need to develop sound effective Closed door counseling techniques is more important now than ever.
1.1. The higher percentage of liberal, college-trained Seaman enlisting in the Navy has resulted in not only more intelligent Seaman, but also Seaman who want to know "why" every time they are told to do something. Until now many leaders, upon being asked "why" has had to control the urge to slap the sh!t out of the Seaman. The Navy has recognized controlling these urges only results not only in high blood pressure and unexplained nervous twitches for the leader, but has denied Seaman the opportunity to learn the effectiveness of this style of leadership.
2. WHEN TO COUNSEL. This will be broken down into several different categories. This section is not all-inclusive, and the leader should not hesitate to initiate Closed door counseling whenever or wherever it seems appropriate.
2.1. Minor offenses. Simple infractions of the rules can be dealt with quickly by a simple ass beating. Most Seaman appreciate this in the long run, as it saves them a visit to the Commander in their blues for UCMJ action, and has the added benefit of saving you paperwork. Some examples of minor offenses are as follows:
2.1.1. Lateness. A leader should evaluate this infraction prior to initiating Closed door counseling actions. To conduct Closed door counseling for a first offense, for example, would probably be counter-productive, and cause the Seaman to lose motivation (possibly causing you to counsel at a later date for further infractions). If, however, the Seaman has been late every day for a month, Closed door counseling will not only be effective, but enjoyable.
2.1.2. Incompetence. If an Seaman consistently proves themselves incapable of performing duties required for there given career field, he may indeed be a candidate for Closed door counseling.
2.1.3. Challenging or defying authority. Seaman who harass or ignore your guidance are prime candidates for an ass beating. This philosophy has two goals, to correct the Seaman's deficient behavior and to serve as a deterrent for others that challenge your supreme rule.
2.1.4. F**king off. Seaman are naturally prone to f**k off when a supervisor is not around. This is detrimental to unit morale and effectiveness. This activity must be corrected immediately. A quick slap to the back of the head is usually the most effective, especially if the Seaman doesn't know you are in the area, and is caught totally off guard. Of course, Seaman who are repeat offenders may require more extensive counseling.
2.2. Major offenses. Includes, but is not limited to: rape, murder, arson, burglary etc. These crimes usually result in court martial action, and no supervisor counseling is required. In certain circumstances, however, a supervisor may want to initiate an ass beating until the arrival of a Law Enforcement patrol.
2.3. Other offenses. These are simple offenses that may be compounded into major headaches if not nipped in the bud immediately. Most of these apply to flight level personnel.
2.3.1. Failure to make fresh coffee for the day shift. This happens only on mids flights. Experience has shown that day shift flight chiefs who are submitted to coffee deprivation for this reason will spend their entire duty day in the superintendents or operations officers office, creating totally f**ked up things for the mid shift to have to accomplish.
2.3.2. Excessive errors in reports and blotters. Any NCO who has been called in after a mid, or on their break, in order to fix administrative errors, knows it is vital to correct this activity immediately. If you kick the sh!t out of the offender at the soonest available opportunity, preferably in front of other potential offenders, it is most effective.
3. WHEN NOT TO COUNSEL. Wise leaders know there is a time and a place for everything. Closed door counseling is not an exception to this rule. Here are some potential circumstances when slapping the sh!t out of an seaman might not be appropriate.
3.1. In front of your chain of command. This rule only applies to commissioned officers. Senior NCOs will fully understand and support your need to conduct Closed door counseling in their presence, but a commissioned officer may not be familiar with the contents of this instruction, and you could find yourself in your blues at your own court martial. This is especially true of senior leaders (i.e., if you slap an seaman in front of the Commander).
3.2. In the case of overly large Seaman. Common sense should dictate this. If the Seaman is twice your size, and can bench press a posting vehicle, Closed door counseling should be postponed. You might want to find a partner or two to assist you in counseling this type of Seaman. Also consider using specialized tools (ball bat, 2x4, tire iron)
3.3. In consideration of an Seaman's hobbies. This is not out of respect for his feelings, but for your health. If, for example, the Seaman is a black belt in karate, or was a finalist in the last Ultimate Fighting Championship, you might find yourself looking at the ceiling tiles in the emergency room wondering what the hell happened.
3.4. When the Seaman in question is armed. This applies both to on duty Security Forces Seaman, and those gang member wannabes. In this case, it is imperative you disarm the Seaman prior to administering the beating. If the Seaman voluntarily gives you the weapon, he is potentially retarded, and deserves to have his ass kicked. If not, the best thing to do is find an assistant who has a bigger gun than the Seaman.
3.5. After drinking binges. Closed door counseling should never be conducted under the influence of alcohol. There are three main reasons for this rule:
3.5.1. You may be unable to articulate properly the reason for the session. The Seaman might come away thinking you just got wasted and kicked the sh!t out of him for no reason.
3.5.2. The Seaman might not recognize this as a leadership action, and file assault charges against you. This problem is worse if the counseling session occurred off base, say at a bar.
3.5.3. Most importantly, you may be so drunk, that the Seaman is able to turn the counseling session around and kick the sh!t out of you. Your problems will be compounded when the hospital labels your treatment as an "alcohol related incident", and you are enrolled in alcohol rehab program.
4. PREPARATION FOR COUNSELING. Like any other successful military operation, Closed door counseling relies on proper preparation.
4.1. Find the best location. Location is very important. Not only do you not want to be interrupted during the session, but you also do not want any large objects the Seaman can use to evade you or use as a weapon against you. Modern construction standards must be taken into consideration, as you could easily put an Seaman through a wall. The condition of the Seaman is not a real issue here, but you might have to pay for the damage to the wall.
4.2. Inform the Seaman. Be careful about what you tell him prior to the session. If you inform an Seaman, "you are a f**k up, and I am going to kick the sh!t out of you at 1530 hrs today" it may be counter productive. The Seaman will probably not show up for the meeting, causing you to schedule a second counseling session. You should instead disguise your true intentions with something like, "I need you to come to my office at 1530 hrs to conduct your performance feedback session".
5. SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS. There are several special considerations not previously covered in this instruction.
5.1. Counseling up your chain of command. The Navy recognized sometimes it might be necessary to counsel individuals who outrank you. The following is some basic guidance for use in these circumstances:
5.1.1. Commissioned officers. As a general rule of thumb, this activity will land you in jail. With some creative thinking though, you can effectively correct officers behavior. This risky move should only be attempted by Senior NCOs experienced at the art of covering up their tracks. NOTE: This does not apply to Lieutenants, who will usually need a daily ass beating. Don't worry too much about it, Lieutenants are raised to expect it, and it is a vital part of their military education.
5.2. Counseling fellow NCOs. There are bound to be times when even fellow NCOs f**k up, and deserve a good ass beating. While this occurrence is rare, you should be prepared for the possibility. In the case of a Senior NCO, you should not try this alone. Senior NCOs have years of experience, and could very well put you in traction. In a case like this, you should enlist the aid of another Senior NCO. If the counseling session is justified, a Senior NCO will be more than happy to help straighten out any potential problem children. SAFETY TIP: Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you attempt to conduct Closed door counseling on a Master Chief. You will probably wind up in the emergency room with some large blunt object jammed up your ass. To add insult to injury, when the Chief is done beating the sh!t out of you, he will probably have your ass thrown in jail, where you will become a sex toy for an ex-Marine named Brutus.
6. CLOSING COMMENTS. This instruction should enable you to improve the morale and ability of your unit to accomplish its mission. Closed door counseling enables the NCO to establish standards of conduct for Seaman to follow, and provides a clear example of the penalty for violating those standards. It also has the added benefit of giving you an outlet for your frustration, leading to lower blood pressure and fewer visits to the commander's office in your blues when one of your boneheads f**ks up.